My Ripple Effect

In six days our prayers couldn't be answered, our voices could not be heard

As we look to God for forgiveness and for the truth

And for some time an entire community was focused on only one thing

Their hearts with one family

And in my dreams I wished for a better tomorrow

But maybe I should have made today count just as much

To make it better and hope that I'd always be around

And never have anything taken away from me so soon

Going home, I would look and applaud the fact that she didn't care what other people said or thought

That she was her own person

All that I needed

I couldn't stop staring

And I took in everything

Every tear she shed I felt with her

And every gasp for air I breathed as well

In the moment

Knowing I wouldn't see anything quite like it for what I hope would be a long time

So I circled 2 days

Two of which I would look back on

And in a time of selfish behavior realize what is important in life

Because now I truly understand what it means when people say 'it could be taken away from you so qickly'

I know we may have never shared a word

And you might have never looked in my direction

But I remeber you

And I'll always have a memory of you

Although it might only have lasted a minute or so

I remeber

And you taught me a very valuable lesson even though I never got to tell you

Because lately I find myself smiling at strangers

Hoping that whomever they are they will

See something that makes no sense

And think about it when they fall asleep

Get up -and do the same

Creating a ripple effect

Recovery

Sometimes I wish people would just say the things they felt

And maybe it would be easier to understand them

The things they do

And it's hard to comprehend why you say the things you do

Sit with a patient for a minute and tell them how you feel about the statistics of it

You'll come out a new person

Because for them- happiness is something that they have created

While it was too hard to find

And I want you to live a little and stop trying to find that answer for everything

Look into their eyes and listen to their words

Make something out of everything

And that's the key

The road to recovery is admitting something is wrong

And then become willing to fix it

But doing it for yourself, not for those around you

Look to the person next to you

Life, like one big round table

Both of them stand there

Each possessing something the other needs

And in a desperate attempt, they find comfort in the fact that nothing is ever as it seems

Perfection was a defect in the system

But the packages still kept rolling in

And one by one the world became a symbol of discontent

Talk to a person you don't know

And trust in them the fact that you are the same

Close your eyes and find it in yourself to let go

Be free. And Climb.

Waking up to Nightmares

Is it the things you are forced to go through in life that makes you different
Does it open your eyes to lifes true value

And if so what happens to the people considered to be lucky

That never have to experience pain or suffering

Because looking deep into his eyes I hear a story

A person who has only so much left to love

But still keeps loving

Or a women who was never amiable

And cashes in her sour taste for something bitter sweet

Or the girl who wishes for something better

Because she sees nothing in what she has

I am calling out for help
I am reaching for a guide to say they understand
And tell me a story of bad dreams that turn out to be good

Because the only thing that seperates me and sanity is myself

The twisted picture I have in my head tells me what I know to be true

And it hears nothing else

But lies,

Lies that make my shadow crouch on cold basement floors

And leave scars to remind myself of who I am

And what I want to be

Act 1 Seen Nothing

It became serious when everyone started not to care anymore

Because as long as they did the more I felt I was trying to keep it up

So although I was helping myself it had a lot to do with the fact that everyone held on so tightly

Shallow, I guess you can say, yes--

But it felt good, for the first time to be noticed

Then slowly everyone started to clear the stage

It wasn't intermission, it was the end

And the beginning of my downfall

It stripped me of my newborn identity

Something I had longed for my entire life

To be someone

To have something everyone wanted

I hadn't comprehended it, but I was setting myself up for something rather uncontrollable

And just when I was on top of the world

I realized It might have only been a map

That the applause died down

And I was standing in front of a closed curtain

So from now on I'm going to start something knowing I wan't it

And if a few good words slip in along the way, well, I can't help it..

Drawing a General Blank

Im sure people will get it one day

They'll understand why I choose to be the way I am

And maybe all the faces will make more sense this time around

Im suppost to shut my mouth as if I don't have a say

Well keep your comments to yourself

And I'll enjoy myself next time

Because I'm never going to let myself fall again

Your indecisive and I'm not about to sit

Wait around until you're happy with the way things are

Maybe everyone else will

They'll stick by your side no matter what

Because you've gotten them all to think your some kind of brother

And I'm sure they feel all warm inside, but I have no plans on moving in this direction

Any longer

And from this point on I would rather be standing still in time

Then have to face another day playing a game of house

But I won't let you have the satisfaction of keeping everything away from me

So if it meant I'd have to dress up a hopeless day

I will

Because the only reason I continue to move on this way

Is because it's too painful to watch them stay

And too hard to let it all slip away

Just for a While

Someday I hope we can all look back

And be reminded of how we might have never realized it

But we got what we always wanted

So I'm not afraid anymore

I know now that no matter how much I try

I can't hault the inevitable

And the funny thing is I really thought I was capable of doing it

I just never comprehended that I was never in the drivers seat

Even though in my heart and mind I felt so

So I learned to smile more these days

Because to be honest it's gotten everyone fooled

And for the first time it feels good to take a back seat

And I find it more thrilling to see things looking in

Rather than being rapped in it

And I laugh now

Not only because they have no idea

But just because their thoughts are so predictable

Their movements too thought out

The truth is -

We are all possibly living a great amount of lives

Though only making it through one

And capable of experiencing it all

But only if you're able to let yourself put the breaks on

And let someone else take the wheel

..just for a while

RailRoads

I can't believe that today I'm the same person who 5 months ago that said "No" and sadly now I'm giving in
Anyone going through the same thing can understand that the worst part is the way you feel after
And too bad you don't have a time machine to go back and think things out first
I call it a lack of judgement
And in this case it happens quite often
From the time you wake till the time your head hits the pillow
You're in a constant battle with yourself
And as the day proceeds things most often tend to go down hill
But so fast you make so many wrong moves because your flustered
We're not the type to think on our feet
Which in these circumstances can be a very bad thing
WE are also faced with the constant struggle
Of knowing in the back of our minds how long it took us to get here
And how quickly we could be left alone again
Felling empty and full of regret
But what we all have to remind ourselves of
Is that in many cases and in many problems we come across
We're are usually our worst enemies
And to blame for the way things turn out
But the beauty of it all is that
We can also be our own saviors
And rise to see a new day
Filled with the tings we've been yearning for so long

2.80

Will we ever know

Will we wake up that morning and feel it in our steps

Or when we walk outside to get the morning paper-will we stop

For no apparent reason

And notice something that was there all along

Because when that day comes, I want to know

And maybe I'm being silly, but when you think about it -why wouldn't you?

I would want to make that last hug long and thoughtful

And look deep into their eyes

Call from work and leave a message

Because I know it's what I would want

And even though I couldn't stop it

I'm sorry you erased his voice from the answering machine

I'm sorry the last thing you'll remember him saying was "Don't wait for me"

I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye

But most of all I'm sorry you feel nothing

Because the hardest thing is I bet you wish he knew

So he could have felt it in every step he took and stopped outside and noticed the thing that was there all along

Give his family a meaningful hug, look and embed their faces in his mind

But when it comes to that very last second eveyone knows

Because he stopped where there was no red sign

But there was

A sign only he could see

Telling him he had reached an end

And he drove on because he knew he couldn't do a thing about it

Life is written..

Mirror mirror

I'm done
Done with always feeling like I'm responsible for every little thing that goes wrong
And it's sad that it took me this long to realize
That I can't make everyone happy
Because as selfish as it may sound I'm the only one that I'll have to spend my entire life with
Because when your gone I'll still be here
Cleaning up what you left behind
And with all these pieces I don't know where to begin and end
I won't sit here any longer pittying you
For the things ou didn't have
And I'll take back every little thing you've deprived me of
And I'll be happier
When I can sleep at night knowing I wn't end up like you
Because I've watched you grow old and miserable
And then one day you woke up wanting to chnge thing
When it was all too late
So in another life when we can all meet again
I just want to let you know that I forgive you
Because if i hold all this resentment towards you
I'll push away everything that matters
So be it..I'll forgive everyone and we'll start a clean page
But just promise me you'll visit and you won't stay out to late
And when you take me into your arms again promise to never forget
Because as long as you don't it will never happen again
We'll leave the right ones behind this time
Because everyone deserves to be happy
And even you deserve to get a second chance
So when they ask you to take sides
And you feel pressured and naive
Walk over to the kind faces and remember you're doing the right thing
What you should have done a whole lifetime ago
And when we pass by them
Well this time we'll stop and share a warmth we've never known

you're never starving

It's almost as if my happiness has mood swings

At times I feel so fortunate for the things I have

And then there are those low points

Where everything seems to be a vicious cycle

The good days are filled with a share of self-confidence

The bad days consist of cries in front of my bedroom mirror

And it's those days where I feel most selfish

And throughout my life

I've grown up to respectively admit to my bad habbits

And it's not that I want to get up and never have a bad day again

Because I know they're bound to come

I just wish the good points stayed longer

As I look back I can chronologically repeat every detail of that bad day

But if you ask me about that simple good day

And I remember is feeling -happy

For once..for one small second I can remember it was all okay

And I was content

I didn't want to change anything

I understand now that it's not that I'm unhappy

It's that I want to change everthing

And when I wake up, look into that mirror and think it's going to be another bad day

I'll just have to take a deep breathe and tell myself that I can't chnage everything

It's humanly impossible

And the truth is I know it

Becasue I tried

And it drained me half to death

Smile-- for no reason

And you'll find that you won't be making so many frequent visits to your psychologist

tneger turns to teenager

When it all comes crashing down

A million and one should have's run through your mind

Racing as fast as that car raced

Down the street

And as the tears run down your cheek

They whisper words to keep you calm

And with the people you love you take a moment to realize how fast they could leave

Just as she raced in back to catch him

As we wait for green
The intoxicated fumes come rushing to the left

Just as we left to meet her

And as we arrived
The car sat there

As hepless as I felt inside

And as we wait

My heart begins to beat

Faster and faster

A pace in tune with the cars that pass

I couldn't help but think it would only get worse

He sinks in his chair

As we see the flashing lights coming up

And the night proceeded to never get any better

Just as I had expected

Time eats you up inside

It's means the end is coming

And it's coming.. jet_fast

"On My Own"

I layed on the cold basement floor

Hands wrapped around my face

And I tried to forget what I had just done

I tried to make up for the fact

That as much as I hated you as a person

I was you

And while I had thrown the towel in

I was doing exactly what you would have done

And that was the day

That I cried becasue I was grieving

The fact that I was so torn

And I finally admitted something was wrong

Out-loud for someone to hear

I layed there numb for those moments

Becasue she had walked away

She couldn't help me

No one could

[I intended on making up for lost time]
And now whenever you make your empty comments

I laugh

I laugh at the fact that I stopped fate

Dead in its tracks

Spun it around and gave it back to you

Because I've finally opened my eyes

And left you alone

Because I'm old enough to guess that

If I hold your hand forever

You will never let go

I picked my head up from my hands

And stood with my feet facing in the direction I couldn't see looking from your eyes

I made my way to the steps

And took my first step

On my own

IF I COULD SEE YOU AGAIN

If I could see you agian

I'd sing you the song I've been saving

If I could see you agaian

I'd tell you all the things that happened

Even though you were right there with me

If I could see you again

I'd admit to never really understanding how much you really meant

If I could see you again

I'd have you tell me the same corny jokes you did and I'd laugh even harder

If I could see you again

I'd ask you to look out for us

If I could see you again

I'd never want to let you go

If I could see you again

I'd remeber sitting there in front of you

And having the illusion of your suit jacket moving up and down

And standing over you

Watching your eyes open

And your lips quiver to a smile like mine

Because if I could only see you again

Things would make more sense maybe

To everyone

And you'd make us happy

Like you always used to

I've always imagined how it would have felt if that day when I walked away crying you would turn back and say "I'm right here, I'll always be right here"

Mexican cowboy

If he was really smart

Don't you think he'd be half way around the world studying abroad?

But he's sitting in a stuffy classroom with a bunch of jouveniles

Telling them how stupid they are and how smart he is

Now there's something a little off in this picture..

But that's besides the point, there's a whole heap of people I could be worrying about

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

I warned her

I really knew all this was about to happen

And I tried not to cave into her demands

And now she thinks I betrayed her

By not telling her something that wasn't even her worries to begin with

And the funny part is--

She doesn't understand why

Because no one will ever undertand

I'll never say

Never

I'll be burried with this secret

Holding it tight

Because no matter how much I hate him

I wouldn't ever wish to let this ruin him

IAnd even when that day comes

And I feel like he deserves to have everyone know

I'll remember how much it doesn't matter and how much it's just not worth it

Not worth everyone looking at him differently

The way I do

The blue ocean lays ahead

It's the promise of a new life, a new start

And my ship began to sink

And my hopes and dreams went down with ...

Lifes one BIG hypocrite

Not even a week and I already have the urge to hide under a rock til Monday comes

It's like I try so hard to persuade myself into liking him and then--nothing

And the fact is I'm not cold and heartless, I just simply don't like him.

And the more I try, the more I find the task becomes impossible

Like finishing a game of Monoopoly

No matter how long you try and keep your eyes open, you can't help but feel like packing it in for the night

No one ever truely wins

In life I mean

People just make the best of it and try to cope

With the true fact that their never really going to be absolutely content with the way things are

There's always "that something" that creeps up on us from behind

And slaps a nice fat gloomy look on our faces

So we have to force a smile here and there to keep our title of be the envied of the block

And grownups can be just like kids sometimes

Making a big deal about things like cracks on the pavers

The size of my nail

Go cry on your pillow at night, please

Monday couldn't possibly be here any sooner!

That's over

When you're emotions take over you

It's almost seems inevitable

Like everything in your life was sculpted

In a perfect way for these emotions to easily seep in

And over time the emotions start to collect as they age

The intolerable mood swings, the way your past times don't seem to find their way in as easily

Life starts to focuss more on the world around you rather than oneself

And when people ask you "What's gotten into you?"

You walk away mumbling, things you wouldn't dare say outloud, under your breathe

But loud enough for them to know they haven't gotten the last word in

And you didn't want to put all of that on them all at once

But its like you had a bad case of word vommit

And it all came crashing in on you

I rewrote most of this blog

Because I realized some of it wouldn't make sense to everyone else

But I left my favorite part in

The part that made most sense to me

And held the most valuable meaning

For the end:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not lying

Making things up is not lying

It's just making life more exciting

And in the end liveable

Becasue a fantasy can always be crumpled up and forgotten about

But reality can't..it's scary, don't screw it up

Til you've tested and learned through your secret life

Open, close

In life you're constantly ridiculed for the way you dress, think, and even speak.

Sometimes you run into those people who say they can read people.

But maybe what they don't know is that not everyone leaves their books wide open.

To be read at bedtime before you get tucked in.

Some stories are meant to be kept, never forgotten, and certainly never told.

It's not that the themes are bad or even the people.

The characters are about as normal as they get, but the world still feels that there different.

A sense of closure is all I ask

For the lessons that, like always, seem to clash

For the people that race

In and out

And the casualties you face here and about

Keep the change..

When you're truly unhappy with yourself what's left?

You can go on each day and tell everyone how fine you are.

They'll tell you "You look good" and brush past you like they made you feel so much better.

Truth is the compliments only make it worse and it makes you think of how much you've failed yourself.

Everyone else seems to be fine with who they are and they except themselves, they even except you.

But for some reason not a bone in your body can make you feel the same way.

Nothing ever makes you smile. When you do it's just to make sure no one gets on your case about always looking so gloomy.

So you fake a smile here and there to make people think everything's okay.

You lay in bed and toss from right to left. Back and forth in your mind you think of all the things that would make you truly happy.

What is it you want in your life?

To be quite frank you haven't got a clue yourself.

What's wrong?

You haven't got a clue why you haven't got a clue.

And to be blantantly honest, no one cares.

The same thing Lilo said from a script to earn some money and now, who would have guessed(or cared for that matter), the guy ends up in jail.

So although I'd hate to agree with a man who hasn't a clue who I am, but Mr. Palminteri was right- nobody cares.

I really don't care if you get it or don't. (laughs)

I get it, and that's what makes me truly happy.

Get it off your chest Part I

Ever had a person in your life all of sudden and
Totally out of the blue a c t d i f f e r e n t
And so different sometimes you just want to yell at them and say
"Quit making it so obvious!"
So at first you just think that they're probably going through some sort of phase
And you brush it off because you've see it happen to a lot to people before
Or you refer back to a similar time when you felt this way about another person
But it ended up being just your imagination, nothing serious
You foget about it and once again
-When you least expect it-
They do something even more suspicious
You try to resist temptation, but you figure it out
And afterwards you feel sick and you would give up anything at that moment
To take back what you just did
You have an internal conflict with yourself and blame yourself for finding out
And you blame that person for making it so easy to detect and discover
So you're stuck feeling emotionally disturbed and mentally scarred
...For who even knows how long.

Wonder

I wonder what it would take to persieve things in their eyes.

They're so happy and they have so little.

Those little things are what gives them that smile on their face when they wake up each morning.

I wonder what they think of when they close their eyes at night.

Do they dream or imagine a world where they fit in more. Or are they happy with the way things are. Do they know? Do they want to know what it feels to be persay "normal"

And live in a world where people won't always be so willing to give them a helping hand because they feel bad. I don't pitty them.

They live a life more free than anyone else because of their differences. They don't stress over the things that to us seem so important at times. The things we shape our lives around means nothing when you think about it. What is better than to live your life open. Open and so happy.

Happiness is their key and they've found it earlier than others who see them as the odd balls around them.

No odd ball here- just one full of joy, never complaining, and truly greatful person.

It means Nothing and Everything to me

One long cold stare and he thinks twice about giving a chuckle

Trying to make me forget what he said

It was the first time

The first time I wasn't scared and didn't care for his reaction

And the last time I would ever look at him the same

Two years ago or so I began to look at things in a different perspective

And I put myself in the shoes of different people

Hoping to realize maybe everyone was right

I was the mistake and I took the wrong approach

Setting people off on a path of distruction

Two years and a hard lesson learned

I wasn't as wrong as my relations suggest

Because the only mistake I had ever made was believing

Believng in the lies that had shaped my life and myself

So I was left with nothing and everything

I threw my roses down and I didnt just cry for him

I cried for you too

And I asked God that day to take care of the wishes I had made for them

For him to be able to move on and be happy

For her to be set free

For everyone to just have everything they had always wanted

And that I wanted them to have truly

I never once asked for myself, not even once

I could have brushed past you a million times in my life

And I would have never known we share the same blood

I never once blamed you or anyone for what happened

Now, I blame you.