Only the good die young

Not too long ago I remember I used to be a selfish child

I put myself before others and I was very aware of it too

But I figured it was just my nature and that I couldn't change

Well I did and sometimes I wish I hadn't

Because I don't think a person really realizes the extent of their selflessness unless, that is, they were once themselves a selfish human being

I changed, but maybe not for the better

I wonder sometimes what it is like to be strong

What it feels like to stand up for yourself, to never let a person walk all over you and still take them back

To still care even though they hurt you

All I know is the feeling of being weak

And having only myself to blame for cause and effect

What happens to the person that pushes so hard for others and leaves themself behind

Or the person who opens their heart only to feel betrayed, left with nothing, and broken

I wished to be a good person in God's eyes only to fall short

Because I was good, but what brought me down was that I was too good and cared too much

That thin divider, that tiny threshold

Invisible to the naked eye and the good heart


Lesson #243

I've learned to live my life by the simple rule that "Everything happens for a reason"

Whether a situation be good or bad, I know the outcome will be favorable

Because God will never give a person something they can't handle

Although it may seem this way, it is far from the truth

God treats all people the same and doesn't favor the rich man over the poor man

I remember a time when I felt it was too hard to love God

I had thought he failed me

Left me for dead

But when I needed Him most, He was there

He took from me all the negative thoughts and replaced them with good blessings

Always remember you are never alone

God stands beside you when no one is there

And if you allow yourself to live life knowing that where you are right now is where you are supposed to be, then you too can find God

He is amongst all of us

Sinners, saints, and all in-between

At A Crossroads

When you think about it happiness is actually not happy at all
Most people are happy for reasons too shameful to share
They are happy because they are making a lot of money or
Happy because they bought a new car
Happiness is one of the most, in my opinion, complex feelings in life
And that is exactly what makes happiness not such a happy thing at all
Money get's spent, cars break down and you have to buy a new one
And if it's love that makes you happy
Well, love dies too
Love gets old, love sometimes leaves when you need it most, and love
Like any other happy thing
Is never simple
I'm sure in everyone's life there has been moments where you were so happy it made you feel on top of the world
Nothing could measure up and nothing could break that
But like all other feelings, the happiness was gone without warning
So how could happiness be a good thing when it never stays?
And why should people attach themselves to that happiness if it will only go away?
Happiness is like a bad relationship, it's an on-again off-again kind of thing


How to be Alone

Looking outside, I noticed beyond the cold breeze that today is a beautiful day

I realized how many days like this have gone overlooked

How much I took them for granted and what was actually holding me back from seeing them was myself

Today the only worry I have is what I want to make of this beautiful day

And my reservations about tomorrow have been washed away by time and thinking

I finally feel like myself again

I finally am free and ready to move forward without looking back

I am alone and I am happy

G. one

I love him for so many reasons

Each of them wrong and unspoken

Each of them almost immoral

And it's not the fact that I can't chang things, it's that I won't

Or better yet, am not willing to

Maybe because of fear that maybe I will feel more lonely if I were actually alone

If I didn't have someone who told me they loved me even though they didn't have to

Maybe because so much has been said and done

And it feels too hard to have to start all over again with someone else

Or maybe because I would still think about him everyday

And subconsciously compare everyone to him

Because til now he is all that I've ever known

Loneliness is like a disease

It creeps up on you when you least expect it

And it never really goes away

But most of all

Loneliness, like any other disease, doesn't only effect you but everyone around you to

So the real reason why I can't, won't, and shouldn't leave is because I don't want anyone else to suffer watching me turn into someone they thought had left a while ago

Someone they thought could never come back

That someone is my disease

My disease will never go away


Room 13

Today the reality of my recent decisions slapped me hard in the face

And left a mark I can't forget

Or regret

'What am I doing?'

I couldn't stop asking myself

Lately I find myself escaping life's demise by sleeping

Dreaming allows me to watch myself live without waking up and asking myself

What am I doing?

In my dreams I can do anything, I can be anyone

I can make mistakes and I'll wake up and never have to carry around regrets

Like the heavy weights that drag my body down

That make me feel powerless, hopeless, and even helpless

But today I had the last laugh

As you're usually stern voice began to break

And you didn't believe yourself either anymore

I find it funny when a person thinks they are ahead of the game, but all along you're waiting at the top to kick them down

Your day will come

And no, "They both aren't 58"



I realized today I never loved you

And it made me cry because I thought I'd be better at this

At being in love, at taking a chance, at making things work

I feel foolish for believing being alone was worse than staying with someone who treated me like shit

My regrets will eat me up inside

They will tear, and pull, and break

And the tears will help them heal

And some day I will feel better about things

I will notice how far I've come

That mistakes had to happen in order for me to learn from them

Sometimes I find it easier to plant my feet in one spot and wish the bad away

This is what I've done for the past 7 months

And all its done is make me feel hopeless

I've never felt more alive than when my heart is breaking

The only thing to do from here is throw away what can no longer be fixed

Because if you hang around trash, you start to stink


Picture Perfect Memory

I love the feel of your palms grazing my back
The way it tickles
The way it makes me feel safe
And I can feel your breath on my neck as you lean in for a kiss
We drive in your '07 Buick, windowns rolled down
And the breeze hits my face
It makes me feel free
I love it when you catch me stealing a glance at you
The way you smirk makes me laugh
And I know I'd do anything for you
It makes me feel scared


Wasted Talent

I figured it was worth a shot
Everyone deserves a second chance
But what happens when you lose count
When 2nd become 3rd and 4th
And soon you realize you lost youself in chances
That being a 'good person' only hurt you in the end
Nice guy's finish last
And when you cross the line
Your arms raised above your head as you swallow air
You look around and no one's there
And you cry alone because no one cares
You feel defeated because you put yourself out there
You made yourself vulnerable to your own fears
Just to find that failure is something you had done to yourself
Because the saddest thing is wasted talent


Unbearable Lightness

Today as I walked into my house
My mind was only focused on food
What was I going to eat? How many calories would it be?
Should I work out now, later, or both times?
I felt myself becomeing anxious
So I sat down at my computer to check my e-mail and give my mind a break
I felt so hungry
I walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a can of tuna
60 calories if I eat the whole thing
2 servings worth and I knew I would
I looked at the shelves above
Baby food that belonged to my 6 month old nephew for when he stayed over
I remebered reading something on the internet about women eating baby food to lose the last, hard 10-15 pounds
I needed to loose 40
I took some down and began to read the backs of them
Surely, I thought to myself, eating 80 calories of peach-banana-granola baby food was better than tuna slathered in mayo
Surely, it was better than starving



These days I am beginning to feel like I did two years ago when my depression reached its peak
To cope with the fact that I hated everything and everyone, I began to better myself
And to tell you the God's honest truth it worked for some time
I fooled my mind into believing the smaller the number was on the scale, the happier I'd be
So I dug myself into a hole of detachment
And I laid there for over a year
I detached myself from friends, family, from the entire world itself
All because I thought nothing tasted better than being thin
Today, as I reached for a morsel of cheese
Something took over me
"You're a fat piece of shit" my mind kept telling me
Til I was too disgusted to even look at my plate
I was literally starving
Starving for attention
Starving for happiness
Starving for what I didn't have
And all along never understanding what food had to do with it
In a way it is the only thing I can control
That is until it takes over me



My Repressed Memory

It's not that I wish I could rewind time
But just go back and delete things
People, places
Like from a box of chocolates
You choose the ones you want
You've tried all the others, but have left them half bitten and thrown back in the box
Straight into the trash
I wish I could keep the lessons I've learned from certain experiences, but erase those experiences completely
Like they never happened
As thought I never spent so many countless days or weeks crying over it
I can remember an entire table of faces hovered over bottles of vodka
But it's as if I am not conscious during the times I see you
I cannot remember what you look like
I can picture your nose, your teeth, even your eyebrows
But as a whole, I can't put them together
And it makes me wonder- maybe I don't want to remember
Maybe I'm not supposed to
Maybe in the future you'll be nothing short of an inch away and I won't remeber who you are
You have broken me down, in every sense of the phrase, and you took away the person I could have been
And with that said it's still my fault
I'm still not enough
I like to make myself believe you aren't even real
That you are a figure of my imagination
That God created you for my own purposes
To learn and grow
And that he gave you a house, a life, a family to share with me
But none of it actually exists
And that's the reason I can't ever remember your face
I cry now because I think of all the times I've stared at you for hours,
Closing my eyes, trying to hammer your face into my thoughts
Each time saying, "I will not forget this time"
I always do



I'm not quite sure what it is I want for myself
Or, better yet, out of myself
What kind of person I want to be
Where I want to go
And what if the only thing I want to be is the old me
The old me had things together
She knew where she was going and she was going fast
When I saw him pacing the hall, I felt like screaming
"I feel just the way you look"
Loud, so everyone could here it
His withdrawal was for pills
Mine was for love
To be accepted again
By God, my family, even me
Sometimes I feel there is no way out
Like I will be circling the same tumultuous path for eternity
And each time realizing I was more foolish, more selfish, and more happier the time before that
And maybe I'm confused because for the first time I'm putting someone else before myself
Something I vouched I would never do
And yet here I am
Allowing another person to take me for a spin
To pin me down and teach me a lesson I wouldn't learn otherwise
Life is too short, do with it what makes you happy



Live a more active lifestlye today and you will build up your ego -- so get active!
It's a good day for you -- your energy levels are peaking, and you feel better about those weird events of the recent past. See if you can push ahead toward something even bigger and wilder!
(I've never been one to get hung up on these types of things, but this was freaky..)


Leaving Lucifer

"When it's really quiet like this, that's when I truly hate myself.."
This is me, this is all I'll ever be
And maybe it was the fact that someone loved me
Even at my worst
That convinced me to give up
What punishment comes to those who betray God?
Stuck in the tenth level of Hell
One that Dante had forgotten
One that I have created for myself
For those who decieve
The human mind is a funny thing
We proceed to do things we know are wrong
Because it gives us a feeling of exhilaration
I want something different for myself
I have felt the ecstacy of the edge, but now I'd rather be normal
I don't want to continue to feel burdened by my actions
And maybe this time around things will be different and God can forgive me
He is all that I need, My hope



Lately I find myself feeling anxious
Like I'm waiting for something to happen
Something that I don't even know about
And the wierd part is, in a sense, I am waiting for things
I'm awaiting answers
To questions I don't understand or am too scared of confronting
Maybe I should have kept my word
Maybe now is a good time to stop lieing to myself about the person I've become
And the hardest part is looking them in the eyes or sharing a laugh with them
Because I know I don't deserve it, because I know I chose wrong
And still did it despite my better knowledge
And when I'm looking at myself in the mirror, I put my hand over the reflection of my face
Partly because I don't want to see myself crying, but more so because I'm so disgusted with myself
Who am I? What have I let myself become?
I am a stranger to myself and I am a prisoner of my own thoughts, sins, & mistakes
It felt good for those moments to feel connected to something
But feelings come in many forms
Happiness, lust, trust, love, betrayal, forgiveness, letting go..