The saddest day

The day she stops pretending

The day she wakes up to only find that the world is filled with monsters

Only they are not as easy to spot as the one's in the closet or under the bed

The day she will blame you for making her believe what you told her was true

Setting her up for disappointment and all along knowing you were only doing it for her own good

And what about the day she tells you she hates you and the world is ripped up from under you

You believe what you are told not out of ignorance, but more or less because of wishful thinking

And somewhere down the line it comes back to bite you in the ass

Because if everyone always got what they wanted pain, suffering, and endurance wouldn't exist

So the saddest day of all is today

The day I chose to let go of something I knew wouldn't work

But in my head I had led myself to believe so

Because maybe I was too scared to look at myself in the mirror and know what kind of person I have become

What about the day she lies straight to your face?

And you come to find she has decieved you in the worst way

She has made her bed and lays in another


"Nothing is easier than self-deciet. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true." -Demosthenes

Blocked

If all you wanted was the satisfaction of "winning", well you can have it

It just goes to show the kind of person you are

I hope you're happy, I know I am

My guardian Angel

When I look back I bear in mind all the mistakes I made

Mistakes like thinking "I hope I don't end up like her"

and more importantly believing I was destined to become her

Today her life is as plentiful as any, if not more

And truth is, I would be blessed if my life turned out to be even a quarter of how good hers is

Sometimes people take for granted the smallest of things

Like the simplicity of smiling at the dinner table

Something that seems so natural

So today and for the rest of my life I will be thankful for the fact that God has blessed me with the greatest of family

The most unique

And to my guardian angel who heard my cries, thank you

I now realize the kind of life I want to lead

Something more spiritual, more refined

Being alone has never been so tranquil

It is just what I needed

Brawer family- Things will get better if they have not already ceased to

You're always in my thoughts and prayers

She has changed my life more than you know it

Artie- I made sure to stuff myself for the both of us yesterday

I'm sure our college essay will be liked, if not loved..

The Prayer

I remember a time when I hadn't had much to worry about

And usually the things that worried me even in the slightest manner were not my own worries

To an extent this frustrated me

I guess I thought having worries made your life exciting

I was so wrong for thinking this

At least now I see

Life cannot be measured in the way you spend your Friday nights, or how many friends you have, or even if you've experienced love

Life is not a measurable object, not a force to act upon

Whoever said there were no rules in life must have had it coming to them

There are rules when it comes down to anything, and so there has to be rules to living

I pray now that God forgive me in my time of need

For all the rules I did break

God had blessed me with intellect

And I refused to use it

For so many years God had steered me on the right path

But I chose to walk ahead

And so if this is God's way of letting me know that I have to listen

Well then I'm listening

I'm hoping He will listen too

Grace Kelly

I think it is in the way I present myself

How I quote- "Come off" to people

And to be quite honest I really do like it that way

I mean, I never intended it to happen, but so it has

And so it shall remain

Last Tuesday made me think, why is it people try to so hard cover up their true selves?

Or emotions in this case

I'll admit it, I sat by that telephone for almost 48 hours hoping you'd call

Something I had told myself years in advance I'd never do

And that's when I asked myself..When does it end?

If I don't stop for a second and recognize the hipocrit I have become, who's to say I won't ever get over this

And there it was

In the calm feeling that lurked through my pitch black room

I pushed the red bitton in so hard, as if releasing all my anger, hostility, and fustrations with it

It's the sense of closure that I want

It doesn't matter, whether it'd be an end or even a fresh start

Just the feeling of knowing the answer

When it was virtually impossible to get it on your own

So I'm guessing this is another lesson learned

Be careful, you're the only person who has the time and desire to look out for yourself

And trust me, no ones doing that for you

Not even the people that claim to it

Systematic

His birth made me realize I don't want life to move any faster

And if it was possible I would have frozen that moment forever

As we all circled the corridor of that open room

I remember that feeling, that feeling of hope for the future

That he had come just in time to wipe the grim faces off of all of us

He was God's gift to all of us, just in the moment we needed him most

They say as one life ends another begins

But I wish it didn't have to be that way

For the most part, this irony occurs in many instances of life

Having to let go in order to regain something we feel we need or want more

And that is why you can never have everything you want, it just doesn't work that way

Life is a huge pool of human detachments

You say to yourself "Okay this is hurt, I have felt hurt"

And you forever detach yourself from that feeling, so as you will never let yourself feel hurt again or vise versa

So with that said, I understand why time cannot stand still

And more importantly, why I would never want it to

Becasue there is so much more waiting out there for me, for everyone, to see

Without forgetting that to be able to have the full experience you must first allow yourself to let go of something in return

Hush

It may be true

What we fear most is silence

For in silence there also lurks the unknown

The simple fact that separates today from tomorrow

And forgiving from forgetting

But in this silence I feel peace

Peace of mind in knowing we don't have to speak to make things better

That we are as close together as the silence will let us be

We break free from silence one more time

To have only the stories, what we hoped to ward off, come crashing down on us

They seem to still be a mystery to me

In all there blissful happiness

They are able to let go

But could it be that something left to grow tall and strong will only end up weak?

And there, silence takes over again

It is serene

Fear not silence, but the fact that in silence we can no longer hide behind, the now, open doorways of our own lives

Chance for Change

(I love you already)

Today, I don't know where life is taking me

Today is fascinating

I am truely blessed

As I had thought life wouldn't change or get better

I remember sitting alone, empty, full of remorse and hatred for the world

And at some point, while I was too busy holding onto the past, change came

I look back on a time when I feared change

And today change is the reason my life is so good

I take back all the things I said

I think it will all work out this time

Just like it did the time before that

Maybe the moral of this all is, for me, to not be so judgmental

And if you give time a chance it can change

It did for me, and now I couldn't be more happy

Content with the way things are going

Today I will give a chance, a chance for change

Published May 30

As the sun hits my back on this late May afternoon,

I am thankful to still be here

And tomorrow it will be all the same

As I get to spend an entire day with my sister and unborn nephew

Today under the warmth of the sky, I felt someone reach over and touch my back

And as I looked up to see who it was

I was greeted by a warm smile from the clouds

One that I used to know all too well

And it reminded me of why I get to be here still

Why I should be greatful my time wasn't taken as soon as others

So for now I want to say to the person I know who was smiling at me from the clouds..

I still think about you everyday

And I can't remeber a time that I didn't think about you as I walked home from school
Or relaxed under the sun like today
And as I smiled back

The sun grew stronger on my face

And I felt beautiful..

Dreaming in the Court

I think she is real

Only not in the way that I want her to be

She is me

I am her

Her story is mine as well

But in a different light

And I never quite realized someone else in this world could feel how I feel

Maybe this isn't your story, but you heard about it

Or maybe you made it up and hadn't thought you were writing someone elses story

My Story

In my mind there is no difference between you or me

We came from the same place, sharing the same things

Only thing was I was living with a stranger

And when you left I din't feel anything

And as fast as you left you came back

I guess it was God's way of trying to tell us it wasn't your time yet

And I was glad

But soon you turned into a person whom I always hated in my dreams

The kind of person who left their past behind them

Almost like it didn't matter

Only it does

It matters to me

It matters to all of us

So I hope you two can be happy together without looking back on your past encounters

But soon enough you'll see your past demons will come running back to haunt you in your courtyard dreams

On a day off..

Things have gotten a whole lot better

Today I recognized how much I've changed

It's been a week

And the best one I've had in a really long time

I'm no longer worrying about what's coming next

For the first time- this change was good

It's almost amusing how much of myself I see in him

The way he talks about life and happiness

Is what I felt like I've been trying to say all along

I guess I had thought I found myself

And I was dissaponted and almost scared to accept what I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life

But I'm noticing now how wrong I was

So from today on, I'm taking a little time to reinvent myself

I know I'll begin to fall into old habbits, but these things happen

It's a part of the process

That I'm not to sure how long it could take

And it might take me forever and I'm ready for that

I'm ready for whatever

Because it's taken a huge struggle to get myself here again

And I'm not about to let it slip away again

I Need A Job

So this is for all those times you woke up feeling ugly

And you got dressed because you thought that maybe if you did you'd feel better than yesterday

Last week or even last month

But it didn't

The clothes you wear now only reflect the fact that change makes you realize what you had

And what you lost

Or how you might not realize it, but you're actually not alone

In fact- Almost the entire population is feeling it

When I feel like there's nothing else

Not anyone that could feel as bad as I do

And I keep thinking it will only get worse

I read her story and look at the photos

That might just look like a bunch of things that get in your way when your in a rush to be somewhere

But they mean so much more when you really think about it

And they make you feel that no matter how much

Or how little you have left

It's what you make of those simple moments

That defy your worst days

Or the times when you seem to not be anything you want

You're able to pull yourself out of it

And make some kind of revelation

So you can remind yourself that

This kind of stuff happens

To everyone, I promise you that

And guess what..we all make it out alright.

Look it Up

I bet you didn't see that coming

It caught you in your sorry

So maybe next time you'll think before you speak

I'm not so easily taken down

You won't raise yourself higher by pushing me under

I'm a breath of fresh air

And I am a new person

Realizing my own strength was enough to stop your heartless tongue

Calling you out on something was better than any revenge

And my silence made victory sweeter than any before

Because to me I couldn't care less if you were on my side

And I'd drag every person down with me

By my side to show you what your worth

Make no mistakes I won't be taken for a fool

I know how to twist my words in order to make the next

Well, even better than todays last look.