The saddest day

The day she stops pretending
The day she wakes up to only find that the world is filled with monsters
Only they are not as easy to spot as the one's in the closet or under the bed
The day she will blame you for making her believe what you told her was true
Setting her up for disappointment and all along knowing you were only doing it for her own good
And what about the day she tells you she hates you and the world is ripped up from under you
You believe what you are told not out of ignorance, but more or less because of wishful thinking
And somewhere down the line it comes back to bite you in the ass
Because if everyone always got what they wanted pain, suffering, and endurance wouldn't exist
So the saddest day of all is today
The day I chose to let go of something I knew wouldn't work
But in my head I had led myself to believe so
Because maybe I was too scared to look at myself in the mirror and know what kind of person I have become
What about the day she lies straight to your face?
And you come to find she has decieved you in the worst way
She has made her bed and lays in another

"Nothing is easier than self-deciet. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true." -Demosthenes



If all you wanted was the satisfaction of "winning", well you can have it
It just goes to show the kind of person you are
I hope you're happy, I know I am


My guardian Angel

When I look back I bear in mind all the mistakes I made
Mistakes like thinking "I hope I don't end up like her"
and more importantly believing I was destined to become her
Today her life is as plentiful as any, if not more
And truth is, I would be blessed if my life turned out to be even a quarter of how good hers is
Sometimes people take for granted the smallest of things
Like the simplicity of smiling at the dinner table
Something that seems so natural
So today and for the rest of my life I will be thankful for the fact that God has blessed me with the greatest of family
The most unique
And to my guardian angel who heard my cries, thank you
I now realize the kind of life I want to lead
Something more spiritual, more refined
Being alone has never been so tranquil
It is just what I needed
Brawer family- Things will get better if they have not already ceased to
You're always in my thoughts and prayers
She has changed my life more than you know it
Artie- I made sure to stuff myself for the both of us yesterday
I'm sure our college essay will be liked, if not loved..


The Prayer

I remember a time when I hadn't had much to worry about
And usually the things that worried me even in the slightest manner were not my own worries
To an extent this frustrated me
I guess I thought having worries made your life exciting
I was so wrong for thinking this
At least now I see
Life cannot be measured in the way you spend your Friday nights, or how many friends you have, or even if you've experienced love
Life is not a measurable object, not a force to act upon
Whoever said there were no rules in life must have had it coming to them
There are rules when it comes down to anything, and so there has to be rules to living
I pray now that God forgive me in my time of need
For all the rules I did break
God had blessed me with intellect
And I refused to use it
For so many years God had steered me on the right path
But I chose to walk ahead
And so if this is God's way of letting me know that I have to listen
Well then I'm listening
I'm hoping He will listen too

Grace Kelly

I think it is in the way I present myself
How I quote- "Come off" to people
And to be quite honest I really do like it that way
I mean, I never intended it to happen, but so it has
And so it shall remain
Last Tuesday made me think, why is it people try to so hard cover up their true selves?
Or emotions in this case
I'll admit it, I sat by that telephone for almost 48 hours hoping you'd call
Something I had told myself years in advance I'd never do
And that's when I asked myself..When does it end?
If I don't stop for a second and recognize the hipocrit I have become, who's to say I won't ever get over this
And there it was
In the calm feeling that lurked through my pitch black room
I pushed the red bitton in so hard, as if releasing all my anger, hostility, and fustrations with it
It's the sense of closure that I want
It doesn't matter, whether it'd be an end or even a fresh start
Just the feeling of knowing the answer
When it was virtually impossible to get it on your own
So I'm guessing this is another lesson learned
Be careful, you're the only person who has the time and desire to look out for yourself
And trust me, no ones doing that for you
Not even the people that claim to it



His birth made me realize I don't want life to move any faster
And if it was possible I would have frozen that moment forever
As we all circled the corridor of that open room
I remember that feeling, that feeling of hope for the future
That he had come just in time to wipe the grim faces off of all of us
He was God's gift to all of us, just in the moment we needed him most
They say as one life ends another begins
But I wish it didn't have to be that way
For the most part, this irony occurs in many instances of life
Having to let go in order to regain something we feel we need or want more
And that is why you can never have everything you want, it just doesn't work that way
Life is a huge pool of human detachments
You say to yourself "Okay this is hurt, I have felt hurt"
And you forever detach yourself from that feeling, so as you will never let yourself feel hurt again or vise versa
So with that said, I understand why time cannot stand still
And more importantly, why I would never want it to
Becasue there is so much more waiting out there for me, for everyone, to see
Without forgetting that to be able to have the full experience you must first allow yourself to let go of something in return



It may be true
What we fear most is silence
For in silence there also lurks the unknown
The simple fact that separates today from tomorrow
And forgiving from forgetting
But in this silence I feel peace
Peace of mind in knowing we don't have to speak to make things better
That we are as close together as the silence will let us be
We break free from silence one more time
To have only the stories, what we hoped to ward off, come crashing down on us
They seem to still be a mystery to me
In all there blissful happiness
They are able to let go
But could it be that something left to grow tall and strong will only end up weak?
And there, silence takes over again
It is serene
Fear not silence, but the fact that in silence we can no longer hide behind, the now, open doorways of our own lives


Chance for Change

(I love you already)
Today, I don't know where life is taking me

Today is fascinating

I am truely blessed

As I had thought life wouldn't change or get better

I remember sitting alone, empty, full of remorse and hatred for the world

And at some point, while I was too busy holding onto the past, change came

I look back on a time when I feared change

And today change is the reason my life is so good

I take back all the things I said

I think it will all work out this time

Just like it did the time before that

Maybe the moral of this all is, for me, to not be so judgmental

And if you give time a chance it can change

It did for me, and now I couldn't be more happy

Content with the way things are going

Today I will give a chance, a chance for change


Published May 30

As the sun hits my back on this late May afternoon,
I am thankful to still be here
And tomorrow it will be all the same
As I get to spend an entire day with my sister and unborn nephew
Today under the warmth of the sky, I felt someone reach over and touch my back
And as I looked up to see who it was
I was greeted by a warm smile from the clouds
One that I used to know all too well
And it reminded me of why I get to be here still
Why I should be greatful my time wasn't taken as soon as others
So for now I want to say to the person I know who was smiling at me from the clouds..
I still think about you everyday

And I can't remeber a time that I didn't think about you as I walked home from school
Or relaxed under the sun like today
And as I smiled back

The sun grew stronger on my face
And I felt beautiful..


Dreaming in the Court

I think she is real
Only not in the way that I want her to be
She is me
I am her
Her story is mine as well
But in a different light
And I never quite realized someone else in this world could feel how I feel
Maybe this isn't your story, but you heard about it
Or maybe you made it up and hadn't thought you were writing someone elses story
My Story
In my mind there is no difference between you or me
We came from the same place, sharing the same things
Only thing was I was living with a stranger
And when you left I din't feel anything
And as fast as you left you came back
I guess it was God's way of trying to tell us it wasn't your time yet
And I was glad
But soon you turned into a person whom I always hated in my dreams
The kind of person who left their past behind them
Almost like it didn't matter
Only it does
It matters to me
It matters to all of us
So I hope you two can be happy together without looking back on your past encounters
But soon enough you'll see your past demons will come running back to haunt you in your courtyard dreams


On a day off..

Things have gotten a whole lot better
Today I recognized how much I've changed
It's been a week
And the best one I've had in a really long time
I'm no longer worrying about what's coming next
For the first time- this change was good
It's almost amusing how much of myself I see in him
The way he talks about life and happiness
Is what I felt like I've been trying to say all along
I guess I had thought I found myself
And I was dissaponted and almost scared to accept what I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life
But I'm noticing now how wrong I was
So from today on, I'm taking a little time to reinvent myself
I know I'll begin to fall into old habbits, but these things happen
It's a part of the process
That I'm not to sure how long it could take
And it might take me forever and I'm ready for that
I'm ready for whatever
Because it's taken a huge struggle to get myself here again
And I'm not about to let it slip away again


I Need A Job

So this is for all those times you woke up feeling ugly
And you got dressed because you thought that maybe if you did you'd feel better than yesterday

Last week or even last month

But it didn't

The clothes you wear now only reflect the fact that change makes you realize what you had

And what you lost

Or how you might not realize it, but you're actually not alone

In fact- Almost the entire population is feeling it

When I feel like there's nothing else

Not anyone that could feel as bad as I do

And I keep thinking it will only get worse

I read her story and look at the photos

That might just look like a bunch of things that get in your way when your in a rush to be somewhere

But they mean so much more when you really think about it

And they make you feel that no matter how much

Or how little you have left

It's what you make of those simple moments

That defy your worst days

Or the times when you seem to not be anything you want

You're able to pull yourself out of it

And make some kind of revelation

So you can remind yourself that

This kind of stuff happens

To everyone, I promise you that

And guess what..we all make it out alright.


Look it Up

I bet you didn't see that coming
It caught you in your sorry
So maybe next time you'll think before you speak
I'm not so easily taken down
You won't raise yourself higher by pushing me under
I'm a breath of fresh air
And I am a new person
Realizing my own strength was enough to stop your heartless tongue
Calling you out on something was better than any revenge
And my silence made victory sweeter than any before
Because to me I couldn't care less if you were on my side
And I'd drag every person down with me
By my side to show you what your worth
Make no mistakes I won't be taken for a fool
I know how to twist my words in order to make the next
Well, even better than todays last look.