SOS

These days I am beginning to feel like I did two years ago when my depression reached its peak

To cope with the fact that I hated everything and everyone, I began to better myself

And to tell you the God's honest truth it worked for some time

I fooled my mind into believing the smaller the number was on the scale, the happier I'd be

So I dug myself into a hole of detachment

And I laid there for over a year

I detached myself from friends, family, from the entire world itself

All because I thought nothing tasted better than being thin

Today, as I reached for a morsel of cheese

Something took over me

"You're a fat piece of shit" my mind kept telling me

Til I was too disgusted to even look at my plate

I was literally starving

Starving for attention

Starving for happiness

Starving for what I didn't have

And all along never understanding what food had to do with it

In a way it is the only thing I can control

That is until it takes over me

My Repressed Memory

It's not that I wish I could rewind time

But just go back and delete things

People, places

Like from a box of chocolates

You choose the ones you want

You've tried all the others, but have left them half bitten and thrown back in the box

Straight into the trash

I wish I could keep the lessons I've learned from certain experiences, but erase those experiences completely

Like they never happened

As thought I never spent so many countless days or weeks crying over it

I can remember an entire table of faces hovered over bottles of vodka

But it's as if I am not conscious during the times I see you

I cannot remember what you look like

I can picture your nose, your teeth, even your eyebrows

But as a whole, I can't put them together

And it makes me wonder- maybe I don't want to remember

Maybe I'm not supposed to

Maybe in the future you'll be nothing short of an inch away and I won't remeber who you are

You have broken me down, in every sense of the phrase, and you took away the person I could have been

And with that said it's still my fault

I'm still not enough

I like to make myself believe you aren't even real

That you are a figure of my imagination

That God created you for my own purposes

To learn and grow

And that he gave you a house, a life, a family to share with me

But none of it actually exists

And that's the reason I can't ever remember your face

I cry now because I think of all the times I've stared at you for hours,

Closing my eyes, trying to hammer your face into my thoughts

Each time saying, "I will not forget this time"

I always do

Prioritize

I'm not quite sure what it is I want for myself

Or, better yet, out of myself

What kind of person I want to be

Where I want to go

And what if the only thing I want to be is the old me

The old me had things together

She knew where she was going and she was going fast

When I saw him pacing the hall, I felt like screaming

"I feel just the way you look"

Loud, so everyone could here it

His withdrawal was for pills

Mine was for love

To be accepted again

By God, my family, even me

Sometimes I feel there is no way out

Like I will be circling the same tumultuous path for eternity

And each time realizing I was more foolish, more selfish, and more happier the time before that

And maybe I'm confused because for the first time I'm putting someone else before myself

Something I vouched I would never do

And yet here I am

Allowing another person to take me for a spin

To pin me down and teach me a lesson I wouldn't learn otherwise

Life is too short, do with it what makes you happy