These days I am beginning to feel like I did two years ago when my depression reached its peak
To cope with the fact that I hated everything and everyone, I began to better myself
And to tell you the God's honest truth it worked for some time
I fooled my mind into believing the smaller the number was on the scale, the happier I'd be
So I dug myself into a hole of detachment
And I laid there for over a year
I detached myself from friends, family, from the entire world itself
All because I thought nothing tasted better than being thin
Today, as I reached for a morsel of cheese
Something took over me
"You're a fat piece of shit" my mind kept telling me
Til I was too disgusted to even look at my plate
I was literally starving
Starving for attention
Starving for happiness
Starving for what I didn't have
And all along never understanding what food had to do with it
In a way it is the only thing I can control
That is until it takes over me



My Repressed Memory

It's not that I wish I could rewind time
But just go back and delete things
People, places
Like from a box of chocolates
You choose the ones you want
You've tried all the others, but have left them half bitten and thrown back in the box
Straight into the trash
I wish I could keep the lessons I've learned from certain experiences, but erase those experiences completely
Like they never happened
As thought I never spent so many countless days or weeks crying over it
I can remember an entire table of faces hovered over bottles of vodka
But it's as if I am not conscious during the times I see you
I cannot remember what you look like
I can picture your nose, your teeth, even your eyebrows
But as a whole, I can't put them together
And it makes me wonder- maybe I don't want to remember
Maybe I'm not supposed to
Maybe in the future you'll be nothing short of an inch away and I won't remeber who you are
You have broken me down, in every sense of the phrase, and you took away the person I could have been
And with that said it's still my fault
I'm still not enough
I like to make myself believe you aren't even real
That you are a figure of my imagination
That God created you for my own purposes
To learn and grow
And that he gave you a house, a life, a family to share with me
But none of it actually exists
And that's the reason I can't ever remember your face
I cry now because I think of all the times I've stared at you for hours,
Closing my eyes, trying to hammer your face into my thoughts
Each time saying, "I will not forget this time"
I always do



I'm not quite sure what it is I want for myself
Or, better yet, out of myself
What kind of person I want to be
Where I want to go
And what if the only thing I want to be is the old me
The old me had things together
She knew where she was going and she was going fast
When I saw him pacing the hall, I felt like screaming
"I feel just the way you look"
Loud, so everyone could here it
His withdrawal was for pills
Mine was for love
To be accepted again
By God, my family, even me
Sometimes I feel there is no way out
Like I will be circling the same tumultuous path for eternity
And each time realizing I was more foolish, more selfish, and more happier the time before that
And maybe I'm confused because for the first time I'm putting someone else before myself
Something I vouched I would never do
And yet here I am
Allowing another person to take me for a spin
To pin me down and teach me a lesson I wouldn't learn otherwise
Life is too short, do with it what makes you happy