My Repressed Memory

It's not that I wish I could rewind time
But just go back and delete things
People, places
Like from a box of chocolates
You choose the ones you want
You've tried all the others, but have left them half bitten and thrown back in the box
Straight into the trash
I wish I could keep the lessons I've learned from certain experiences, but erase those experiences completely
Like they never happened
As thought I never spent so many countless days or weeks crying over it
I can remember an entire table of faces hovered over bottles of vodka
But it's as if I am not conscious during the times I see you
I cannot remember what you look like
I can picture your nose, your teeth, even your eyebrows
But as a whole, I can't put them together
And it makes me wonder- maybe I don't want to remember
Maybe I'm not supposed to
Maybe in the future you'll be nothing short of an inch away and I won't remeber who you are
You have broken me down, in every sense of the phrase, and you took away the person I could have been
And with that said it's still my fault
I'm still not enough
I like to make myself believe you aren't even real
That you are a figure of my imagination
That God created you for my own purposes
To learn and grow
And that he gave you a house, a life, a family to share with me
But none of it actually exists
And that's the reason I can't ever remember your face
I cry now because I think of all the times I've stared at you for hours,
Closing my eyes, trying to hammer your face into my thoughts
Each time saying, "I will not forget this time"
I always do

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