you're never starving

It's almost as if my happiness has mood swings

At times I feel so fortunate for the things I have

And then there are those low points

Where everything seems to be a vicious cycle

The good days are filled with a share of self-confidence

The bad days consist of cries in front of my bedroom mirror

And it's those days where I feel most selfish

And throughout my life

I've grown up to respectively admit to my bad habbits

And it's not that I want to get up and never have a bad day again

Because I know they're bound to come

I just wish the good points stayed longer

As I look back I can chronologically repeat every detail of that bad day

But if you ask me about that simple good day

And I remember is feeling -happy

For once..for one small second I can remember it was all okay

And I was content

I didn't want to change anything

I understand now that it's not that I'm unhappy

It's that I want to change everthing

And when I wake up, look into that mirror and think it's going to be another bad day

I'll just have to take a deep breathe and tell myself that I can't chnage everything

It's humanly impossible

And the truth is I know it

Becasue I tried

And it drained me half to death

Smile-- for no reason

And you'll find that you won't be making so many frequent visits to your psychologist

tneger turns to teenager

When it all comes crashing down

A million and one should have's run through your mind

Racing as fast as that car raced

Down the street

And as the tears run down your cheek

They whisper words to keep you calm

And with the people you love you take a moment to realize how fast they could leave

Just as she raced in back to catch him

As we wait for green
The intoxicated fumes come rushing to the left

Just as we left to meet her

And as we arrived
The car sat there

As hepless as I felt inside

And as we wait

My heart begins to beat

Faster and faster

A pace in tune with the cars that pass

I couldn't help but think it would only get worse

He sinks in his chair

As we see the flashing lights coming up

And the night proceeded to never get any better

Just as I had expected

Time eats you up inside

It's means the end is coming

And it's coming.. jet_fast

"On My Own"

I layed on the cold basement floor

Hands wrapped around my face

And I tried to forget what I had just done

I tried to make up for the fact

That as much as I hated you as a person

I was you

And while I had thrown the towel in

I was doing exactly what you would have done

And that was the day

That I cried becasue I was grieving

The fact that I was so torn

And I finally admitted something was wrong

Out-loud for someone to hear

I layed there numb for those moments

Becasue she had walked away

She couldn't help me

No one could

[I intended on making up for lost time]
And now whenever you make your empty comments

I laugh

I laugh at the fact that I stopped fate

Dead in its tracks

Spun it around and gave it back to you

Because I've finally opened my eyes

And left you alone

Because I'm old enough to guess that

If I hold your hand forever

You will never let go

I picked my head up from my hands

And stood with my feet facing in the direction I couldn't see looking from your eyes

I made my way to the steps

And took my first step

On my own

IF I COULD SEE YOU AGAIN

If I could see you agian

I'd sing you the song I've been saving

If I could see you agaian

I'd tell you all the things that happened

Even though you were right there with me

If I could see you again

I'd admit to never really understanding how much you really meant

If I could see you again

I'd have you tell me the same corny jokes you did and I'd laugh even harder

If I could see you again

I'd ask you to look out for us

If I could see you again

I'd never want to let you go

If I could see you again

I'd remeber sitting there in front of you

And having the illusion of your suit jacket moving up and down

And standing over you

Watching your eyes open

And your lips quiver to a smile like mine

Because if I could only see you again

Things would make more sense maybe

To everyone

And you'd make us happy

Like you always used to

I've always imagined how it would have felt if that day when I walked away crying you would turn back and say "I'm right here, I'll always be right here"

Mexican cowboy

If he was really smart

Don't you think he'd be half way around the world studying abroad?

But he's sitting in a stuffy classroom with a bunch of jouveniles

Telling them how stupid they are and how smart he is

Now there's something a little off in this picture..

But that's besides the point, there's a whole heap of people I could be worrying about

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

I warned her

I really knew all this was about to happen

And I tried not to cave into her demands

And now she thinks I betrayed her

By not telling her something that wasn't even her worries to begin with

And the funny part is--

She doesn't understand why

Because no one will ever undertand

I'll never say

Never

I'll be burried with this secret

Holding it tight

Because no matter how much I hate him

I wouldn't ever wish to let this ruin him

IAnd even when that day comes

And I feel like he deserves to have everyone know

I'll remember how much it doesn't matter and how much it's just not worth it

Not worth everyone looking at him differently

The way I do

The blue ocean lays ahead

It's the promise of a new life, a new start

And my ship began to sink

And my hopes and dreams went down with ...

Lifes one BIG hypocrite

Not even a week and I already have the urge to hide under a rock til Monday comes

It's like I try so hard to persuade myself into liking him and then--nothing

And the fact is I'm not cold and heartless, I just simply don't like him.

And the more I try, the more I find the task becomes impossible

Like finishing a game of Monoopoly

No matter how long you try and keep your eyes open, you can't help but feel like packing it in for the night

No one ever truely wins

In life I mean

People just make the best of it and try to cope

With the true fact that their never really going to be absolutely content with the way things are

There's always "that something" that creeps up on us from behind

And slaps a nice fat gloomy look on our faces

So we have to force a smile here and there to keep our title of be the envied of the block

And grownups can be just like kids sometimes

Making a big deal about things like cracks on the pavers

The size of my nail

Go cry on your pillow at night, please

Monday couldn't possibly be here any sooner!

That's over

When you're emotions take over you

It's almost seems inevitable

Like everything in your life was sculpted

In a perfect way for these emotions to easily seep in

And over time the emotions start to collect as they age

The intolerable mood swings, the way your past times don't seem to find their way in as easily

Life starts to focuss more on the world around you rather than oneself

And when people ask you "What's gotten into you?"

You walk away mumbling, things you wouldn't dare say outloud, under your breathe

But loud enough for them to know they haven't gotten the last word in

And you didn't want to put all of that on them all at once

But its like you had a bad case of word vommit

And it all came crashing in on you

I rewrote most of this blog

Because I realized some of it wouldn't make sense to everyone else

But I left my favorite part in

The part that made most sense to me

And held the most valuable meaning

For the end:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not lying

Making things up is not lying

It's just making life more exciting

And in the end liveable

Becasue a fantasy can always be crumpled up and forgotten about

But reality can't..it's scary, don't screw it up

Til you've tested and learned through your secret life