SOS

These days I am beginning to feel like I did two years ago when my depression reached its peak

To cope with the fact that I hated everything and everyone, I began to better myself

And to tell you the God's honest truth it worked for some time

I fooled my mind into believing the smaller the number was on the scale, the happier I'd be

So I dug myself into a hole of detachment

And I laid there for over a year

I detached myself from friends, family, from the entire world itself

All because I thought nothing tasted better than being thin

Today, as I reached for a morsel of cheese

Something took over me

"You're a fat piece of shit" my mind kept telling me

Til I was too disgusted to even look at my plate

I was literally starving

Starving for attention

Starving for happiness

Starving for what I didn't have

And all along never understanding what food had to do with it

In a way it is the only thing I can control

That is until it takes over me

My Repressed Memory

It's not that I wish I could rewind time

But just go back and delete things

People, places

Like from a box of chocolates

You choose the ones you want

You've tried all the others, but have left them half bitten and thrown back in the box

Straight into the trash

I wish I could keep the lessons I've learned from certain experiences, but erase those experiences completely

Like they never happened

As thought I never spent so many countless days or weeks crying over it

I can remember an entire table of faces hovered over bottles of vodka

But it's as if I am not conscious during the times I see you

I cannot remember what you look like

I can picture your nose, your teeth, even your eyebrows

But as a whole, I can't put them together

And it makes me wonder- maybe I don't want to remember

Maybe I'm not supposed to

Maybe in the future you'll be nothing short of an inch away and I won't remeber who you are

You have broken me down, in every sense of the phrase, and you took away the person I could have been

And with that said it's still my fault

I'm still not enough

I like to make myself believe you aren't even real

That you are a figure of my imagination

That God created you for my own purposes

To learn and grow

And that he gave you a house, a life, a family to share with me

But none of it actually exists

And that's the reason I can't ever remember your face

I cry now because I think of all the times I've stared at you for hours,

Closing my eyes, trying to hammer your face into my thoughts

Each time saying, "I will not forget this time"

I always do

Prioritize

I'm not quite sure what it is I want for myself

Or, better yet, out of myself

What kind of person I want to be

Where I want to go

And what if the only thing I want to be is the old me

The old me had things together

She knew where she was going and she was going fast

When I saw him pacing the hall, I felt like screaming

"I feel just the way you look"

Loud, so everyone could here it

His withdrawal was for pills

Mine was for love

To be accepted again

By God, my family, even me

Sometimes I feel there is no way out

Like I will be circling the same tumultuous path for eternity

And each time realizing I was more foolish, more selfish, and more happier the time before that

And maybe I'm confused because for the first time I'm putting someone else before myself

Something I vouched I would never do

And yet here I am

Allowing another person to take me for a spin

To pin me down and teach me a lesson I wouldn't learn otherwise

Life is too short, do with it what makes you happy

Horoscope

Quickie:

Live a more active lifestlye today and you will build up your ego -- so get active!

Overview:

It's a good day for you -- your energy levels are peaking, and you feel better about those weird events of the recent past. See if you can push ahead toward something even bigger and wilder!

(I've never been one to get hung up on these types of things, but this was freaky..)

Leaving Lucifer

"When it's really quiet like this, that's when I truly hate myself.."

This is me, this is all I'll ever be

And maybe it was the fact that someone loved me

Even at my worst

That convinced me to give up

What punishment comes to those who betray God?

Stuck in the tenth level of Hell

One that Dante had forgotten

One that I have created for myself

For those who decieve

The human mind is a funny thing

We proceed to do things we know are wrong

Because it gives us a feeling of exhilaration

I want something different for myself

I have felt the ecstacy of the edge, but now I'd rather be normal

I don't want to continue to feel burdened by my actions

And maybe this time around things will be different and God can forgive me

He is all that I need, My hope

Comradery

Lately I find myself feeling anxious

Like I'm waiting for something to happen

Something that I don't even know about

And the wierd part is, in a sense, I am waiting for things

I'm awaiting answers

To questions I don't understand or am too scared of confronting

Maybe I should have kept my word

Maybe now is a good time to stop lieing to myself about the person I've become

And the hardest part is looking them in the eyes or sharing a laugh with them

Because I know I don't deserve it, because I know I chose wrong

And still did it despite my better knowledge

And when I'm looking at myself in the mirror, I put my hand over the reflection of my face

Partly because I don't want to see myself crying, but more so because I'm so disgusted with myself

Who am I? What have I let myself become?

I am a stranger to myself and I am a prisoner of my own thoughts, sins, & mistakes

It felt good for those moments to feel connected to something

But feelings come in many forms

Happiness, lust, trust, love, betrayal, forgiveness, letting go..