Room 13

Today the reality of my recent decisions slapped me hard in the face

And left a mark I can't forget

Or regret

'What am I doing?'

I couldn't stop asking myself

Lately I find myself escaping life's demise by sleeping

Dreaming allows me to watch myself live without waking up and asking myself

What am I doing?

In my dreams I can do anything, I can be anyone

I can make mistakes and I'll wake up and never have to carry around regrets

Like the heavy weights that drag my body down

That make me feel powerless, hopeless, and even helpless

But today I had the last laugh

As you're usually stern voice began to break

And you didn't believe yourself either anymore

I find it funny when a person thinks they are ahead of the game, but all along you're waiting at the top to kick them down

Your day will come

And no, "They both aren't 58"

Temporary

I realized today I never loved you

And it made me cry because I thought I'd be better at this

At being in love, at taking a chance, at making things work

I feel foolish for believing being alone was worse than staying with someone who treated me like shit

My regrets will eat me up inside

They will tear, and pull, and break

And the tears will help them heal

And some day I will feel better about things

I will notice how far I've come

That mistakes had to happen in order for me to learn from them

Sometimes I find it easier to plant my feet in one spot and wish the bad away

This is what I've done for the past 7 months

And all its done is make me feel hopeless

I've never felt more alive than when my heart is breaking

The only thing to do from here is throw away what can no longer be fixed

Because if you hang around trash, you start to stink

Picture Perfect Memory

I love the feel of your palms grazing my back

The way it tickles

The way it makes me feel safe

And I can feel your breath on my neck as you lean in for a kiss

We drive in your '07 Buick, windowns rolled down

And the breeze hits my face

It makes me feel free

I love it when you catch me stealing a glance at you

The way you smirk makes me laugh

And I know I'd do anything for you

It makes me feel scared

Wasted Talent

I figured it was worth a shot

Everyone deserves a second chance

But what happens when you lose count

When 2nd become 3rd and 4th

And soon you realize you lost youself in chances

That being a 'good person' only hurt you in the end

Nice guy's finish last

And when you cross the line

Your arms raised above your head as you swallow air

You look around and no one's there

And you cry alone because no one cares

You feel defeated because you put yourself out there

You made yourself vulnerable to your own fears

Just to find that failure is something you had done to yourself

Because the saddest thing is wasted talent

Unbearable Lightness

Today as I walked into my house

My mind was only focused on food

What was I going to eat? How many calories would it be?

Should I work out now, later, or both times?

I felt myself becomeing anxious

So I sat down at my computer to check my e-mail and give my mind a break

I felt so hungry

I walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a can of tuna

60 calories if I eat the whole thing

2 servings worth and I knew I would

I looked at the shelves above

Baby food that belonged to my 6 month old nephew for when he stayed over

I remebered reading something on the internet about women eating baby food to lose the last, hard 10-15 pounds

I needed to loose 40

I took some down and began to read the backs of them

Surely, I thought to myself, eating 80 calories of peach-banana-granola baby food was better than tuna slathered in mayo

Surely, it was better than starving

SOS

These days I am beginning to feel like I did two years ago when my depression reached its peak

To cope with the fact that I hated everything and everyone, I began to better myself

And to tell you the God's honest truth it worked for some time

I fooled my mind into believing the smaller the number was on the scale, the happier I'd be

So I dug myself into a hole of detachment

And I laid there for over a year

I detached myself from friends, family, from the entire world itself

All because I thought nothing tasted better than being thin

Today, as I reached for a morsel of cheese

Something took over me

"You're a fat piece of shit" my mind kept telling me

Til I was too disgusted to even look at my plate

I was literally starving

Starving for attention

Starving for happiness

Starving for what I didn't have

And all along never understanding what food had to do with it

In a way it is the only thing I can control

That is until it takes over me