How to be Alone

Looking outside, I noticed beyond the cold breeze that today is a beautiful day

I realized how many days like this have gone overlooked

How much I took them for granted and what was actually holding me back from seeing them was myself

Today the only worry I have is what I want to make of this beautiful day

And my reservations about tomorrow have been washed away by time and thinking

I finally feel like myself again

I finally am free and ready to move forward without looking back

I am alone and I am happy

G. one

I love him for so many reasons

Each of them wrong and unspoken

Each of them almost immoral

And it's not the fact that I can't chang things, it's that I won't

Or better yet, am not willing to

Maybe because of fear that maybe I will feel more lonely if I were actually alone

If I didn't have someone who told me they loved me even though they didn't have to

Maybe because so much has been said and done

And it feels too hard to have to start all over again with someone else

Or maybe because I would still think about him everyday

And subconsciously compare everyone to him

Because til now he is all that I've ever known

Loneliness is like a disease

It creeps up on you when you least expect it

And it never really goes away

But most of all

Loneliness, like any other disease, doesn't only effect you but everyone around you to

So the real reason why I can't, won't, and shouldn't leave is because I don't want anyone else to suffer watching me turn into someone they thought had left a while ago

Someone they thought could never come back

That someone is my disease

My disease will never go away

Room 13

Today the reality of my recent decisions slapped me hard in the face

And left a mark I can't forget

Or regret

'What am I doing?'

I couldn't stop asking myself

Lately I find myself escaping life's demise by sleeping

Dreaming allows me to watch myself live without waking up and asking myself

What am I doing?

In my dreams I can do anything, I can be anyone

I can make mistakes and I'll wake up and never have to carry around regrets

Like the heavy weights that drag my body down

That make me feel powerless, hopeless, and even helpless

But today I had the last laugh

As you're usually stern voice began to break

And you didn't believe yourself either anymore

I find it funny when a person thinks they are ahead of the game, but all along you're waiting at the top to kick them down

Your day will come

And no, "They both aren't 58"

Temporary

I realized today I never loved you

And it made me cry because I thought I'd be better at this

At being in love, at taking a chance, at making things work

I feel foolish for believing being alone was worse than staying with someone who treated me like shit

My regrets will eat me up inside

They will tear, and pull, and break

And the tears will help them heal

And some day I will feel better about things

I will notice how far I've come

That mistakes had to happen in order for me to learn from them

Sometimes I find it easier to plant my feet in one spot and wish the bad away

This is what I've done for the past 7 months

And all its done is make me feel hopeless

I've never felt more alive than when my heart is breaking

The only thing to do from here is throw away what can no longer be fixed

Because if you hang around trash, you start to stink

Picture Perfect Memory

I love the feel of your palms grazing my back

The way it tickles

The way it makes me feel safe

And I can feel your breath on my neck as you lean in for a kiss

We drive in your '07 Buick, windowns rolled down

And the breeze hits my face

It makes me feel free

I love it when you catch me stealing a glance at you

The way you smirk makes me laugh

And I know I'd do anything for you

It makes me feel scared

Wasted Talent

I figured it was worth a shot

Everyone deserves a second chance

But what happens when you lose count

When 2nd become 3rd and 4th

And soon you realize you lost youself in chances

That being a 'good person' only hurt you in the end

Nice guy's finish last

And when you cross the line

Your arms raised above your head as you swallow air

You look around and no one's there

And you cry alone because no one cares

You feel defeated because you put yourself out there

You made yourself vulnerable to your own fears

Just to find that failure is something you had done to yourself

Because the saddest thing is wasted talent

Unbearable Lightness

Today as I walked into my house

My mind was only focused on food

What was I going to eat? How many calories would it be?

Should I work out now, later, or both times?

I felt myself becomeing anxious

So I sat down at my computer to check my e-mail and give my mind a break

I felt so hungry

I walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a can of tuna

60 calories if I eat the whole thing

2 servings worth and I knew I would

I looked at the shelves above

Baby food that belonged to my 6 month old nephew for when he stayed over

I remebered reading something on the internet about women eating baby food to lose the last, hard 10-15 pounds

I needed to loose 40

I took some down and began to read the backs of them

Surely, I thought to myself, eating 80 calories of peach-banana-granola baby food was better than tuna slathered in mayo

Surely, it was better than starving